Good evening. Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of al-Qaida, and a terrorist who’s responsible for the murder of thousands of innocent men, women and children.
It was nearly 10 years ago that a bright September day was darkened by—
Excuse me, Mr. President. Where’s the body?
Er, we don’t have a body.
There isn’t one. It, um, fell overboard.
Mr. President, you can’t be serious!
No, really, it— (aide whispers in his ear) it, uh, was in accordance with Muslim burial traditions.
Burial at sea is a Muslim burial tradition?
Yes. And I should know, uhh—I mean, uhh, that’s what I’m told.
OK. Then may we see pictures of the body?
No. They’re just too gruesome.
Too gruesome for the families of those who perished on 9/11? Shouldn’t that be their choice to make?
No. It’s my decision, and the photos are simply too awful, awful. Look, if you’re so desperate to be grossed out, just go to rotten dot com.
Mr. President, is it true Bin Laden was unarmed at the time he was shot?
That’s the information that was given to me, yes.
Then why was he killed? Wouldn’t it have been better to capture him alive and bring him to trial? Or were you afraid of what he might say?
Not at all. As to the details of the operation, you’ll have to speak to those who were on the ground and carried it out.
Very well then, Mr. President: may we speak to those Navy SEALs who conducted the operation?
No. Their identity must be kept secret to ensure the success of future operations.
Operations like this cover-up?
Exactly. No, no!!! Operations like, uhh, like our mission in Libya.
Mr. President, what exactly is our mission in Libya?
To ensure the safety of the Libyans.
Well, not Gaddafi’s grandkids, that’s for sure.
What do we know about the rebels and their motivations?
They’re fighting for freedom against an evil regime.
An evil regime with oil?
That thought never entered my mind.
Mr. President, haven’t we been down this road before? Supporting the Taliban against the Soviet invasion in Afghanistan? Supporting Saddam Hussein against the Ayatollah Khomeini? The enemy of my enemy is my friend?
This time it’s different.
Our side’s in charge this time.
Mr President, thanks for your time.
You’re welcome. God Bless America.